We've been together for such a long time — years of laughter, unforgettable experiences, some not so enjoyable. The pain, the hurt, the aches, the recovery and healing, it's all been a tumultuous repetition of happy moments followed by enormous plunges into deep disappointments. We were constantly convincing ourselves that this cycle is all there is or will ever be! The paralysis produces physiological and psychological warfare, with three questions left to ask...
Is this as good as it gets?
Can I choose something different?
When did we get here?
Time, a continuous sequence of events, existence and occurrences - that isn't always linear but can never be reversed. The thing about time is that it waits for no one: no signals, no flashing lights, absolutely no warning signs. Before we could even blink, time pooled on us; we stopped growing. The realisation that we began to live a repetitious toxic lifestyle within the confinements of time. We could no longer ignore the physical signs of trauma.
We used to be so complimentary until we got comfortable. But, like any relationship, once the honeymoon phase ends and real-life begins, you see that person for who they are. So we grew to love our weaknesses and strengths. Eventually, however, those weaknesses became amplified because of our strengths. In other words, our strengths enabled our weaknesses.
Our ability to justify was profoundly convincing. For example, we are great debaters, my body and I. So we would work together to explain why there was a reason we were going up a dress size, why changing our diet didn't suit us right now, or why it seemed more logical to spend £400 on a new pair of shoes but not £150 for three months gym membership. All while looking and appearing super confident; some may even say FLY!
It was excuse after excuse, why I couldn't make healthier choices. Why I had no time to be active, you get where I am going with this. My mom would often comment on the lack of attention and care I offered to my body. We always took offence, my body and I, and called her out for fat-shaming. Always at the ready with a witty comeback or a long diatribe about the fact that all bodies are beautiful. Although this is true, this wasn't our truth. We stopped feeling beautiful a long time ago.
Suffice to say; I broke up with my body because the relationship was toxic!
Nai recorded a video of me to send to my friend doing one of my DIY projects; I wanted to show off my masonry skills. I also wanted to share the video on our Instagram account but decided not to. I was going through a terrible breakout at the time; my skin was on fire. I saw my face, and I saw my body! Neither looked healthy.
Social media glamorises this ideology of perfection whilst diminishing the reality of life and its imperfections. Hence, you see - there was no way I could show up without the worry of judgement or shame from people I don't even know. But that's another blog for another day.
So I sent the recording to my friend but never shared it on Instagram. Looking at myself was like a sharp pain inside. I could no longer make excuses. I then acknowledged I needed to have a heart-to-heart, and changed behaviour was the only solution.
It was tough at first because change isn't easy. You sometimes fall back into familiar habits, only to be reminded of why you decided to break up in the first place.
Relationship therapist Esther Perel says that you can experience different relationships with the same person because sometimes we have to end the version of the relationship we are in and create a different one that is healing and more serving to us.
So my body and I ended our toxic relationship and decided we wanted one that was more healing. One that meant we woke up each day feeling good!
Better cardiovascular health is now on the horizon, and we finally began to feel a warm, healthy glow from the inside out.
With love always
Mon & Nai